Thoughts
Breaking The Dam
I am so frustrated right now. I want to punch through a wall. This blog, putting myself out there in any way, is becoming the bane of my existence. I feel stifled in every way. I wake up feeling lethargic and completely unmotivated. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know what it will take to push me past this level. I signed a contract with a literary agent several years ago to write the story of my life. I am sure he has completely given up on me. I have given him so many false starts I won’t even bother reaching out to him again until I know I am actually doing what I said I wanted to do when he met me. I feel like I have wasted his time, and so many others who have tried to help me in doing all the grandiose things that I say I want to do in this world. I sound like a broken record. I used to talk gregariously about this amazing book I was writing and all of these amazing future plans I have. But now, I have just stopped. Because sometimes, even I question if I will actually get off my ass and do them or keep spinning around on the same hamster wheel I have been on for the last god knows how many years. Now I just stop talking about it because I don’t want people asking me. Sometimes I even feel shame that I haven’t done anything. I have enrolled so many people in my process, gotten so many people excited for what I am doing, and then you know what I do? Absolutely nothing. I feel like the biggest failure ever. It has been five years of this roundabout talking and no action.
I think the worst part about it is having this burning desire to create something bigger than myself yet giving it no outlet for expression. They are just thoughts rolling around in my own head. It is something that calls so unbelievably deep to my soul. It is all of the ways I want to help people, all of the ways I want to change the world, all of the ways my heart is just aching to do something to impact humanity. It is like a dam just wanting to burst wide open. And it is painful. Unbelievably painful to keep turning my back on myself. On my passions. On the things that bring so much lightness into my life. Why do I play so small when I feel things so big in my heart? Why do I continuously turn my back on myself? I feel tidal waves of inspiration and then they leave me. I wait for the next wave, and it leaves me again. I act on none of these waves and let them wash over me each and every time.
The cost for me here is high. I don’t want to be a prostitute anymore. I am sacrificing my life and all of the things I truly want. Time is just passing me by. Selling my body is my comfort zone, yet becoming increasingly uncomfortable because I know I am meant for so much greater. I am grateful for what it has taught me about life, about love, about myself, about humanity, but it is time for me to take those gifts out into the world. While it has served me for a time to get me where I am now, I want a different life. The life that is pulled by those tidal waves of inspiration. A life where I can put the final bits of healing in place for myself, and move into greater possibility, instead of running back to what is safe. And I am running out of time. I am at a crossroads. I am crying my eyes out while I write this because I know I have been on this edge so many times and I pull back without failure, every single time. But I am not right now. This is my first post. My first foray into saying, I want something different and I am not turning my back on myself. Not today.
